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STOP CORRECTING PEOPLE!

Posted on February 6, 2013 Leave a Comment

By Tim Marks

Henry Ford wisely said, “Don’t find fault.  Find a remedy.”  Why do people feel the need to point out other people’s mistakes?  Well, it could be they genuinely want the other person to improve.  It could be that they want to help.  Or it could be that they are trying to knock the other person down a few pegs to themselves feel powerful in comparison.  WikiHow.com shares, “Criticism is futile, because it puts a person on the defensive and causes him to justify himself.  Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s pride and arouses resentment.  Criticism is vain, because in judging others, we regard ourselves as more righteous than they.”

For some people, their self-esteem and identity is tied to “being right” and “being knowledgeable”.  They feel that they are a worthwhile person if they are correct, and more importantly, if other people know it.  If you derive your self-esteem from being right… why? Why is that your source of self-esteem?  Do you feel embarrassed being wrong or making a mistake?  Does that seem rational to you?  Surely you must realize that you can’t be right all of the time.  You only need to be right 51% of the time and you would make a billion dollars on the stock market this year!  If someone was right all the time, they’d have easily developed the cure for cancer, brought peace to the Middle East, and found a solution to world hunger.  Since these haven’t been accomplished, you may want to lower your estimation of yourself being “all knowing” a notch, Scooter.  Again, only one man ever was, and no one ever will be again.  Compulsively correcting people is purely an ego game, and as SpiritualPub.com shares, “One day, you will come to an understanding that in a pretentious game of gratifying your ego, you have auctioned the inner beauty of your soul.”

I have a family member whom I love very much who is, and has always been, right about everything (in their eyes).  It’s a sad condition because it holds him back from learning.  Why would someone bother learning when they think they already know everything?  It might be true we have some expertise in a certain area, but imagine the vast ocean of knowledge we don’t have!  Also, is it possible that our suggestion is correct, but someone else’s idea might also have merit?  There might be two different solutions to the same problem.  2+2 equals 4, but so does 1+3.  And even if we are correct, remember that no one wants to hear about it if we come across as an arrogant know-it-all!  (No one… except you!)

The world is filled with people who will tell you what you do wrong.  Your friends, family and colleagues are constantly told by everyone around them what they do wrong!  Even if your heart is genuinely in a good place and you want to help the other person by correcting them, may I suggest you reconsider?  As Dale Carnegie wrote, “When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves.  And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness.  But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus.”

My mentor, bestselling author Orrin Woodward, has taught me if someone is about to make a tiny mistake, to consider letting them know gently.  Please don’t come across as a know-it-all.  You may want to say, “I could be wrong, but have you considered this?  Perhaps there is another way of looking at this problem.”  Or, “This is only my opinion, and I certainly am not an expert, but what about this option?”  Using language like that leaves a back door for their ego to remain intact.  Throw a little uncertainty into your language in order to gently introduce a suggestion.  You may also try getting their permission to offer a suggestion.  Perhaps something like, “Bob, if I noticed something I felt could really help you, do I have your permission to offer a little tip?”  By getting their permission first, they are probably more open to hearing what you have to say.  I learned from my mentor it matters less to the other person whether you are right; it matters if their ego and feelings are intact.

Finally, stop yourself and ask, “Who am I to criticize this other man?”  Consider all the mistakes you have made throughout your life.  It can be pretty easy to feel self-righteous when considering our strengths to another, but what about our flaws compared to their flaws?  In John 8:9 Jesus said, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”  I know all of my flaws. Who am I to judge another man?  At this point, you may be wondering, “He, wait a minute… is Tim judging me or trying to tear me down?” or “Is Tim trying to teach me people skills?”  Actually, I’m trying to show you we all make these common mistakes and we all have value that we and others may not yet see.

Now, naysayers will point out avoiding correcting people doesn’t count for landing airplanes, brain surgery or running a nuclear power plant.  Of course there are times when you point out a mistake!  If your spouse is driving the car and about to run a red light or crash into someone, don’t AVOID pointing it out in order to dogmatically follow this principle.  Use discretion.  However, the three extreme examples I just gave are situations where a person is in mortal danger.  99.9% of the time we AREN’T in mortal danger, so the exception won’t apply most of the time!  You still need to avoid criticism most of the time!

Fortunately, the LIFE business shares information to help even a blunt choleric like myself to soften his edges, develop some empathy, and share mentorship and advice from a place of serving rather than correcting.  To quote from one of our recent books in the LIFEsubscription series, Bringing Out the Best in People, author Alan Loy McGinnis said, “Good managers and good teachers, on the other hand, do not waste much time doing postmortems on the failures of their people.  Instead they look for strengths that others have overlooked and ways to encourage the gifts in their group.”  If you want to become a better leader, I’d encourage you to bite your tongue when you feel you are about to criticize, and instead, point out what someone has done correctly.

Posted in: Blog, Leadership Nuggets | Tagged: correcting, excellence, For, intentionally, Life, living, marks, people, Purpose, stop, tim, traced, with

RESOLVED! 13 Resolutions for Life

Posted on December 11, 2012 Leave a Comment

 

These are original with Benjamin Franklin who wrote these and ingrained them in his life at age 14. Amazing how the Gospel had such a huge impact on our country’s leadership.

These are some powerful resolutions! What great leaders we had-will we step up to the plate and stop complaining about our country’s leader and take the resolutions to heart and focus on improving in our own life? The right president won’t make much difference at all-if we want real change-I need to start with MYSELF and apply these resolutions. Will you join me? We will change ourselves, which in turn will change our families, which in turn will change our community, which in turn will change our country and just maybe-we”ll change the world!

1. Resolved: I resolve to discover my God-given purpose. I know that when my potential, passions, and profits intersect, my purpose is revealed.
2. Resolved: I resolve to choose character over reputation anytime they conflict. I know that my character is who I am and my reputation is only what others say that I am.
3. Resolved: I resolve to have an attitude of gratitude. I know that by listening to my Positive Voice and turning down my Negative Voice that I will own a positive attitude.
4. Resolved: I resolve to align my conscious (ant) with my subconscious (elephant) mind towards my vision. I know that ending the civil war between them is crucial for all achievement.
5. Resolved: I resolve to develop and implement a game plan in each area of my life. I know that planning and doing are essential parts of the success process.
6. Resolved: I resolve to keep score in the game of life. I know that the scoreboard forces me to check and confront the results, making the needed adjustments in order to win.
7. Resolved: I resolve to develop the art and science of friendship. I know that everyone needs a true friend to lighten the load when life gets heavy.
8. Resolved: I resolve to develop financial intelligence. I know that my wealth is compounded when incomes are higher than expenses over time.
9. Resolved: I resolve to develop the art and science of leadership. I know that everything rises and falls based upon the leadership culture created within my community.
10. Resolved: I resolve to develop the art and science of conflict resolution. I know that relationship bombs and unresolved conflict destroy a community’s unity and growth.
11. Resolved: I resolve to develop systems thinking. I know that by viewing life as interconnected patterns rather than isolated events I improve my leverage.
12. Resolved: I resolve to develop Adversity Quotient. I know that AQ leads to perseverance in overcoming obstacles and setbacks.
13. Resolved: I resolve to leave a legacy by fulfilling my purpose and vision through living the 13 Resolutions. I know that by reversing the current of decline, I provide an example for the next-generation of leaders.

Posted in: Blog, Leadership Nuggets | Tagged: 13, Benjamin, For, Franklin, Life, Orin, resolutions, Woodward

We Must Give Our Lives for Other Believers

Posted on October 15, 2012 Leave a Comment
by Jon Walker

“We must give our lives for other believers.” (1 John 3:16 GW)

In calling us to sacrificial service, God doesn’t ask us to do any more than Jesus, who came “as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they’ve done to our relationship with God … if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other” (1 John 4:10-12 MSG).

Yet, as Rick Warren regularly teaches, any believer familiar with John 3:16, “For God so loved the world …” (NIV), must also become familiar with 1 John 3:16: “This is how we’ve come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves” (MSG).

The point is service cannot be separated from sacrifice.

And so the life of a maturing Christian must shift from little or no sacrifice to a willingness to sacrifice any and all that may be required to help others grow into spiritual maturity.

The poet-king David understood this, and so he wouldn’t offer a sacrifice to God that cost him nothing: “But the king replied to Araunah, ‘No, I insist on paying you for it. I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.’ So David bought the threshing floor and the oxen and paid fifty shekels of silver for them” (2 Samuel 24:24 NIV).

The cost of sacrificial service runs past mere notions of money. It may mean giving up dreams, expectations, reputations, retirements, whatever God asks in order to lovingly enrich the lives of others.

We benefit today because saints before saw that service includes sacrifice. It is now our time to do the same for others, living like the poetic King David, who served his generation before he died (Acts 13:36).

Posted in: Daily Inspiration | Tagged: believers, Daily, For, give, Inspiration, Jon, lives, must, other, our, Walker, we

Strength Is for Service

Posted on October 7, 2012 Leave a Comment

by Jon Walker
“We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.” (Romans 15:1 NIV)

We’ve been talking about the courage to face our faults. When we face our own faults, others will be more open to admitting their faults to us.

By facing our own faults, we’re able to interact with others. When we see others straying from the faith, instead of judging them, we can look past their “faulty” appearance and try to understand the reason for their drift from the faith.

We can address the needs and concerns God reveals to us, instead of condemning them in their weakness and leaving them trapped in their sin. Both Paul and James teach that those strong in courage are to take their courage to the weak. Those living in the Spirit are to pursue and restore those who’ve slipped back into living the old, worldly ways (Romans 14-15; Galatians 6; James 5).

We prepare ourselves to “lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is most convenient for us. Strength is for service, not status. Each one of us needs to look after the good of the people around us, asking ourselves, ‘How can I help?’” (Romans 15:1-2 MSG).

We encourage people to accept their individuality (be themselves) and yet reject individualism (living for themselves). Christ accepted us, and that encouraged us toward spiritual maturity; now we can reflect the heart of Jesus by offering acceptance to others.

Posted in: Daily Inspiration | Tagged: Daily, Driven, For, Inspiration, Is, Jon, Life, Purpose, Service, Strength, Walker

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